Dear Red States,

Dear Red States,
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware,
that includes Hawaii, California, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, New York, and all of the Northeastern
states. After this election, we'll be adding Colorado and New Mexico.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially to
the people of our new country: Nuevo California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states; we
get stem cell research, the best beaches, and the best ski resorts.
We get Elliot Spitzer; you get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty; you
get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get
Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Cal Tech, MIT and Columbia; you get
Ole Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs; you get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue;
you get to make the folks in the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than that of the
Christian Coalition, we get a bunch of happy families and you get a
bunch of under-educated single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,
and we'll need all of our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They apparently have
kids they're willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they
don't mind if you don't televise their kid's caskets coming home. We do
wish you success in Iraq and hope that those Weapons of Mass Destruction
turn up for you, but we're not willing to spend any more of our money in
Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States, we will control 80 percent of the country's fresh
water, 90 percent of lettuce and pineapple, 92 percent of the other
fresh fruit, 97 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French
wines at your state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of
the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven
Sister schools. We also get the Great Lakes and Yosemite.

In the Red States, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs, 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 94 percent of hurricanes, 99 percent of Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, and Clemson.

Additionally, in the Red States, 38 percent actually believe Jonah was
swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless it
involves the death penalty or gun ownership; 44 percent claim that
evolution is only a theory; and 53 percent insist that Saddam Hussein was
involved in 9/11.
And 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you have higher moral
standards than those of us on the left.

Peace out,
The Blue States